If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.