If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.