If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}