If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
nature’s most graceful animal
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!