@hashtag_stacks: If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like 'why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?'
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@BlindChow: "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.
@68Cly29: The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
@GrantTanaka: wife: ugh I feel so old me: you're only 36 wife: ugh me: that’s like three 12yr olds wife: what me: what
@bourgeoisalien: I feel like maybe if God didn't spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he'd have time to fix some shit