@hashtag_stacks: If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like 'why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?'
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@thenatewolf: *Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
@ArfMeasures: Priest: What can I do for you son? Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died Priest: Oh no I am so sorry Me: The good news is my dog's ok
@ObscureGent: Somewhere there's a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?