@turtledumplin: If I ever got stranded on an island, I could totally use the glare that bounces off the whiteness of my legs to signal for help.
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@KandyKoehn: me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out] date: me:to answer ur question i was "being quiet" so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
@withanewname: [trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.
@juliussharpe: I bet "Fifty Shades of Grey" won't make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.