Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.