Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]