*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Thinking about Jeff
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?