If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
You Might Also Like
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Previously On Persistence 😎
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.