*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done