If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
just pretend nothing happened
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.