@thatUPSdude: If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
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@AnnaisAwesome76: I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.
@Smug_Lemur: [God creating the octopus] Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
@jctwritesstuff: [First Date] Me: I'll just have a salad. [Second Date] Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.