“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!