@thatUPSdude: If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
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@MarcusTheToken: A kiss begins with K. But it's also just a text from someone who doesn't want to have a conversation with you.
@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@FatherWithTwins: My 5yo can't remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we'd go to the water park on Saturday
@kyle_thatisall: When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I'm gonna be them on social media & just comment "nice" on everyones old pool pics