They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
At least try to make it slightly believable
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.