@neiltyson: If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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@sadvil: Mark Zuckerberg running for office is a terr… [Mark appears in window holding transcript of any of my convos with a girl in 2009] …ific idea
@CodyJP9412: COP: Do u know why I pulled u over? ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
@realHamOnWry: Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk. Her: But it's 20 below zero outside. Me: I had mitts. Her: Are you crazy? Me: No...Canadian.
@ObscureGent: The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.