If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Grandmother clock.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke