If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors