@rzarosco: If I ever murder anyone I'm going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
@ShutUpThatsWho: CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
@Screwoff315: I'm tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
@Dr_awfulpants: I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*