HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Wednesday
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat