ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me and the Superbowl rn
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*