My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK