@JRevard: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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@NicestHippo: [doctor gets job as 911 operator] "What's your emergency?" MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE "Hmm ok let's wait a few weeks and see how it is then"
@TedBundybitch: 14: what could happen? Me: you could get her pregnant. 14: im not comfortable putting my dingaling in her thingaling Me:*writes suicide note
@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
@randygdub: trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there's no one left to run GS and they go out of business