@JRevard: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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@jordan_stratton: Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I'm like, "Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education"
@Freudianscript: Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
@Fred_Delicious: [penguin waddles into computer repair store] "Hi yes my laptop is frozen" ... Computer repair guy - "how did you get to Milwaukee"
@Reverend_Scott: How to end an interview: 1. Thank them for their time. 2. Shake their hand firmly. 3. Firmer. 4. Firmer yet. 5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN