If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
#milo
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That