@qwertying: My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
@ShesARealGenius: Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c'mere
Me: Don't come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
@Sickayduh: NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
@jlock17: My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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