@_NTFG_: My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.

@patnspankme: This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@JohnLyonTweets: I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

@GrillinChillin9: You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'