@thereverendcink: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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@_NTFG_: My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.
@patnspankme: This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
@JohnLyonTweets: I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
@GrillinChillin9: You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.