@thereverendcink: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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@junkyardigan: I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn't. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
@RobElliottComic: Say "Literally" and "Legit" a few more times in that sentence so I know it's literally legit
@ComeHome4Dinner: 2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off. Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.
@sarah1mc: When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, "Wow, I can't believe it took so long."