If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.