If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.