If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.