If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”