Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom