If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
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I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.