If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”