If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust