@KentWGraham: If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
@TheTweetOfGod: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.