If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.