You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
As the Lord intended
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats