me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
As the Lord intended
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The booster protects against what, now?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO