If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Education is vital
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.