A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
You Might Also Like
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.