I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Smells like a challenge to me
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!