If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You Might Also Like
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I was bored.