@dumbbeezie: If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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@hippieswordfish: GENIE: you have 3 wishes ME: i wish for one more wish G: um...ok...your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes M: aweso- wait, what
@JermHimselfish: I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
@heymonroe: That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
@KentWGraham: My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.