If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You Might Also Like
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake