If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
titanic
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.