If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Realize this:
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story