If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Guys, I found it.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.