GOD: there, my first animal đ
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
titanic
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: thatâs what he said
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
if youâve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, iâd highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit weâre running out of time
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
âDrinking water successfullyâ is out
âDrinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god youâre sitting and the pants got hit tooâ is in
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named âsnot.â Wtf is wrong with people! đĄ
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Mom: âYouâre a delusional alcoholic.â
Abraham Lincoln: âSheâs right, you know.â
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said âif you want to be less anxious you need to worry lessâ so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button