@randomover2: If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I'm going to be furious.
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@Brentweets: "Fluffy died today" "Oh my god I'm so sorry, was he a cat or dog? "He was a boa constrictor" "Well that made me feel better"
@AmishPornStar1: Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?! Me: It was getting freezer-burned. W: I just bought it today! Me: Crazy freezer.
@lisaxy424: Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I'm a nerd! Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!