If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.