@randomover2: If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I'm going to be furious.
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@mrjohndarby: [aliens dissecting humans] alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol alien assistant: that's good, so they never do it alien surgeon: you're not gonna beleive this
@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
@thatUPSdude: Her: We have rats! Me: We do? Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies! Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.
@sad_tree: *me petting my cat* CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be *a door opens* CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return