If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head