If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.