@pineappleiheart: If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that's still a sports injury, right?
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@panmidwest: GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy [meeting her parents] ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
@Brampersandon_: [White House] Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS? *Biden excitedly raises hand* Besides assembling the Avengers. *Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
@weinerdog4life: If you say "NO YOURE UNDER ARREST" the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
@lasergirl70: I'm pretty sure I made one of those "If we're both still single" pacts with someone. I just wish I'd written down his name.