If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*