@iantherage: If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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@Jimmy_Smacks: When someone says "We can still be friends" after a break up it's like saying..."The dog died but can we still keep it?"
@KevinFarzad: "I have $50, less than an hour, and a ton of cocaine. Let's make a commercial!" - every furniture store owner
@StoferComic: My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn't know the song "Get Off the Stage or Die." Elvis, maybe?