If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.