It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
You Might Also Like
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
He died doing what he loved: being alive
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth