Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap