Happy Halloween 🎃
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die