If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.