[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
groan^2
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope